1 Dec., 2020

Bedtime meds.

The medications are failing again.

Desipramine was a god-send for a short while, then it was increased to 50mg/day, and it was working great again. I had lots of energy during the day, and was sleeping about 6.5 hours a night, in just two or three stretches. I was sleeping through 3am. Hadn’t seen the little hours for weeks.

Today, I woke up at 2am, and seem to be awake for the day. My blood sugar was 67 when I woke up, so I needed to eat, and once I’d awakened enough to fix something, that had pretty much decided it. But, I went to bed at 8 last night, and was asleep probably by 8:30. According to my FitBit, I slept 5.25 hrs. I have survived on less, and I don’t have to do anything until 4pm, so I think I’ll be OK. I can try to take a nap later, if I’m tired.

Over the last week, I have been taking crazy amounts of melatonin. Up to 100mg. No, there’s not an extra zero. One hundred mg. 20 to 50 times what most adults who take melatonin take. 33.3 times what I give (at the vet’s direction) my hyper dog so she won’t bark at night (and get kicked out of our apartment complex, and become homeless). What’s really crazy, is that, while it works, it doesn’t even work all that well. I fall asleep, and my first stretch of sleep is usually at least three hours. But I wake up feeling ready to get out of bed.

Getting out of bed doesn’t work out so well, because when I do, I’m feeling like a zombie 90 minutes later, but a wide-awake zombie.

I’m going through my PRN’s like they’re going to be banned tomorrow. Even then, they don’t work that well. The maximum dose of Ambien an adult is supposed to take in 24 hours is 10mg. I’ve taken 10mg along with 1mg clonazepam, slept 3 hours, then awakened, wide, wide awake, and taken another Ambien for 2.5 more hours sleep, and been wide awake again.

My brain develops antibodies.

My doctor is sending me to a sleep specialist. The appointment is December 7. This is not the first sleep specialist I have seen, nor even the second, but I imagine he or she will insist on beginning with “sleep hygiene,” and going through all the baby steps, as though this is new. Everyone I see wants to start with sleep hygiene—which means mostly getting up and going to bed at the same time every day, not using the bed for anything but sleep, and making sure the room is very dark.

What I want is fresh PRNs. I want to ditch the Ambien and clonazepam, and get something my brain has not learned to tolerate. I will probably have to go through a couple of weeks of these games before I can get to that point, though. I know better than to point-blank ask a doctor for drugs.

I am debating whether or not to tell the doctor about the 100mg melatonin thing. It’s possible it might convince him (or her—I don’t know which) that I’m serious. But it also could make him suspect I’m lying, or make him decide to jump to the “sleep study” phase of our relationship.

I hate sleep studies.

See you on the 8th.

Published by Chava Freya

Insomnia is a brain-based disorder I’ve had since I was at least 16 years old. Anti-anxiety medicine doesn’t help, except when there’s external anxiety exacerbating the problem. Sleep hygiene is irrelevant, because it’s not the problem, although I have submitted to it five different times, including having sleep specialists actually come to my home and advise me on rearranging furniture, buying special pillows, forbidding TVs in the bedroom, telling me the bed was for nothing but sleep, sex and reading, and when that didn’t work, then nothing but sleep. Period. That was the biggest failure of all.

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