1 Sept., 2020

What really makes me crazy is that I have all this nervous energy at night when I’m not sleeping; during the day, I’m just fucking exhausted. I’m afraid to drive anywhere, because I might drift off in the car.

Last week, I slept for six glorious hours in a row on Thursday (4-10am), because I didn’t have to work until the afternoon, but that isn’t going to happen every day, and I think getting into the habit of sleeping during the day and being awake at night is a bad idea.

Before COVID-19, I’d gotten myself on a pretty good schedule where I was sleeping from about 8pm to 1am, and then getting up and doing stuff– laundry, dishes. Often I’d go back to bed around 5 and sleep another hour, and it was always a great hour– vivid dreaming that produced refreshing sleep and I’d wake up feeling on top of the world. It required something to do during the day, like work, that started relatively early, though, so I’d get the day going.

Before COVID-19, I always had morning minyan to go to. It met at 7:30am, took about 45 minutes, then we all had breakfast together. It’s in the chapel at shul, and I work at the synagogue, so the days when I work, I rushed breakfast to get to work by 8:30, but it was fine. Days I didn’t work, or didn’t work until the afternoon, we’d talk until 9 or 9:15.

Thinking about taking the dog for a walk, since it’s stopped raining.

Also thinking about taking a handful of zolpidem just to see what happens, since I seem to have become slightly resistant to it.

Did you know you can be so tired it actually hurts? It hurts to be this tired– you’d think that at such a point I’d sleep from total exhaustion, but nope. When I woke up at midnight, I woke up shaking. It took a couple of minutes to stop. Would Tylenol make me feel better? or sumatriptan (a migraine medicine I have)? Sometimes caffeine helps. Bupropion helps, but it takes time to kick in, and at any rate, I can’t take it in the middle of the night. Sometimes my blood sugar is low, and a glass of milk makes me feel better, but not always.

What about the day that nothing makes me feel better?

Published by Chava Freya

Insomnia is a brain-based disorder I’ve had since I was at least 16 years old. Anti-anxiety medicine doesn’t help, except when there’s external anxiety exacerbating the problem. Sleep hygiene is irrelevant, because it’s not the problem, although I have submitted to it five different times, including having sleep specialists actually come to my home and advise me on rearranging furniture, buying special pillows, forbidding TVs in the bedroom, telling me the bed was for nothing but sleep, sex and reading, and when that didn’t work, then nothing but sleep. Period. That was the biggest failure of all.

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