10 Aug, 2020

My brain is 12 pages into writing a bad novel, just drew a pattern for a sewing project, and would like to finish up all my lesson plans for Hebrew school to the end of the semester, which begins on the 30th. I haven’t even received all my materials, so doing my lesson plans now means huge revisions later, but my brain has a big itch to do them anyway. It’s probably going to win. It usually wins. It’s a bully.

I cannot power down. I’m describing it like I am, because that’s my subjective experience, but I know there are a lot of people who would call it a lack of willpower. “Turn off the light, lie down, go to sleep.” But I can’t. I mean, I try, but it doesn’t last. It’s 2:33am right now. I slept from 8:30-10, and midnight-1:30, more or less. I might catch a little sleep between 5am & 7am, especially if I take medicine. That’ll probably be it for the night.

Published by Chava Freya

Insomnia is a brain-based disorder I’ve had since I was at least 16 years old. Anti-anxiety medicine doesn’t help, except when there’s external anxiety exacerbating the problem. Sleep hygiene is irrelevant, because it’s not the problem, although I have submitted to it five different times, including having sleep specialists actually come to my home and advise me on rearranging furniture, buying special pillows, forbidding TVs in the bedroom, telling me the bed was for nothing but sleep, sex and reading, and when that didn’t work, then nothing but sleep. Period. That was the biggest failure of all.

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