3 Aug., 2020

Synesthesia sucks. Even numbers are weak. Odd numbers are strong. Yellow is weak, so most of the even numbers are yellow. I have an unfortunate perception of natural blondes as weak, and need to continually remind myself that it’s a phantasm my stupid brain invented out of whole cloth. If you are blonde, and your name starts with a yellow letter, like H, and then you have an even number of letters in your name, I don’t want to be in a foxhole with you.

It’s the most ridiculous sort of prejudice to have, but there it is.

Red it the strongest color– but a little too strong– it teeters into cruelty. Blue, on the other hand, is heroic: strong, but kind. So, of course, my favorite color. Everything around me is blue. An experience for me can be ruined by not getting the blue whatever.

I remember once in preschool the teachers were handing out cups of water at snack. Usually, the cups were Dixie cups with a blue pattern, but today, inexplicably, they were red, and I started crying inconsolably. And I was not a child who cried. I didn’t cry on the first day, I didn’t cry when I fell off the monkey bars, nor when time ran out, and I didn’t get a turn with some toy. I just wasn’t a crier. And in this case, I didn’t even really know what was wrong, just that something was, was very, very wrong.

Published by Chava Freya

Insomnia is a brain-based disorder I’ve had since I was at least 16 years old. Anti-anxiety medicine doesn’t help, except when there’s external anxiety exacerbating the problem. Sleep hygiene is irrelevant, because it’s not the problem, although I have submitted to it five different times, including having sleep specialists actually come to my home and advise me on rearranging furniture, buying special pillows, forbidding TVs in the bedroom, telling me the bed was for nothing but sleep, sex and reading, and when that didn’t work, then nothing but sleep. Period. That was the biggest failure of all.

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